A bad outcome does not excuse how you were treated
If you were shouted at, ignored, or overruled, that is a separate wrong from whatever else happened, and it stands whatever the outcome was.
This is the distinction that governs everything in this part, and it bites hardest here.
When a birth goes badly, the bad outcome swallows everything around it. Women who were treated badly on the way to that outcome often stop mentioning it, because it feels small next to what happened, or because they think that if they had expected less they would not feel so hurt. Both of those are ways of taking the blame for someone else's conduct.
How you were treated is a separate question from how it turned out. A good outcome does not retire it. A bad outcome does not excuse it. And neither one is evidence that you expected too much.
A US survey with questions written by women themselves asked 2,138 women about specific acts, not general satisfaction. These are the answers.
| What happened | Number of the 2,138 women |
|---|---|
| Was shouted at or scolded by a doctor, midwife or nurse | 182 (8.5%) |
| Was ignored, or had a request for help refused or not answered in a reasonable time | 166 (7.8%) |
| Had her physical privacy violated | 117 (5.5%) |
| Was threatened with treatment being withheld, or forced to accept treatment she did not want | 97 (4.5%) |
| Was threatened in some other way | 44 (2.1%) |
| Experienced physical abuse | 27 (1.3%) |
| Had personal information shared without consent | 26 (1.2%) |
| Any one or more of the above | 369 (17.3%) |
One finding in that study matters more than the headline. Among women who had a difference of opinion with the clinician caring for them, the majority reported one or more of these things: 76.4% of white women and 83.0% of women of colour. Disagreeing was the single strongest thing linked to being mistreated. If you have wondered whether speaking up made it worse, you are describing a documented pattern, not a personal failing.
The same question was asked in the Netherlands, of 12,239 women, in a completely different maternity system. 36.3% reported at least one experience of disrespect or abuse that they found upsetting, with lack of choice, lack of communication, lack of support and rough treatment the leading categories. The design there was better in one way: it separated things that happened from things that happened and were upsetting.
"I am not saying the care was wrong. I am saying I was treated badly, and I want that recorded."